Loveability

Stephanie Vehnon
Jul 8, 2018
4 min read

Updated: Jan 12, 2022

"The ability to love and be loved"

I am reading this book called "Loveability" by Robert Holden. I am not fully through reading this book, but each chapter makes me stop, think, feel and process and take my time with it. This book, like many others that inspire me to be better version of myself, encourages me to look at my past, find out the patterns I have carried forward, and let go of what I cannot control, moving to the future living in the 'now'. If we do not live now, when will we live?

We are all born to love. Judgement takes over our power to love ourselves, and thus in turn, love others. "Love existed before the first judgement and before you doubted that you were loved and wholly loveable"

It is difficult to love others when we do not love ourselves. This book speaks about a mirror exercise. He teaches a course on loveability (an although that may sound silly to you, YOU are the most important person or energy in your life - are you taking care of yourself and are you happy?), and this course has a component to it where you sit and look in a mirror for a certain amount of time, trying to not judge yourself and assess what it is you see. He goes on to say that most people cannot complete this exercise.

We keep saying: "it will get better, it will be better, it will go better next time"

Why can't we live these truths and desires now? Tomorrow may never come, in reality. I do not know about you, but I am done living in the past, or even the future. It is so difficult to allow yourself to be present in the moment you live in, but you start to feel free, like a negative energy has been released and you can see the greatness that is before you. One thing I have learned on my journey to understanding 'the self' (aka me) is that self-reflection, quiet moments, gratefulness for the small things, and mindfulness can change your life forever.

On the other hand, it is sometimes difficult to live in the moment - we let our emotions overwhelm us. The best way to deal with this, for me, has been to find people who help you feel grounded, who push you to be better, feel better, and who allow you to be you, with no judgement. This may be difficult because you may have to allow yourself to say no to certain relationships. It is not that they are bad people, they may just not be the people who are meant to be in your life, who will help you be the best version of yourself.

"You date people who match your level of self-esteem. You are attracted to people who mirror your beliefs about yourself. You train your friends to treat you the way you treat yourself. You let others do to you what you are already doing to yourself"

Well, ain't that a mouth full!I re-read this many, many times. So, I began thinking about what people I have attracted in regards to relationships, and for what reasons. It all made sense.... until I asked myself "what happens when I feel I may have found someone that reflects good and mirrors my beliefs, someone that I could potentially spend the rest of my life with?" THAT IS NOT SOMETHING THAT CAN HAPPEN, can it?? It seems impossible to believe that you can attract people who reflect the GROWTH in your life... but it is true. It is scary to feel you have come a long way in personal growth, but also refreshing and exciting.

This is not only true for romantic relationships, but any relationships within your life. The people in your life are a true reflection of how you see yourself, and ultimately who you would like to become.

"Literally, you attract what you identify with"

This was discussed up above, but to end this blog, it does not hurt to re-emphasize that we can be the person we believe we can and want to be. If we love ourselves, it will allow us to love others, unconditionally, as they are, and not for what we believe they SHOULD be. When you attract others, or are attracted to others, stop and think about why that attraction exists. What it is about that person that created the attraction? Is there a part of you that you are unhappy with, or part of you that you do not love unconditionally, thus attracting something or someone that can help to fill that conditional self-love.

Unconditional love is the only kind of love that will allow you to love others, with no judgement and no restrictions. Are there restrictions within your relationships? Do you love the people in your life unconditionally, as they are, and not a version of them that you want them to be, but they are not?

I challenge you to look at your relationships, but more importantly, look within yourself - do you love yourself....and do you love yourself unconditionally, with no judgement? (more on this in another blog, stay tuned).